I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
