she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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