He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
