Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
