So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
