Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
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No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
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I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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