if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
a search helicopter?!
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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