someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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