I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he shaved USA in his pubs
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
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my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
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Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
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