i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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