ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
