I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
