if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
