3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
