Jerry, you need to find god
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
