Need sex. Gaining weight.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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