Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
