just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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