she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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