I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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