So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
