glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
