two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
