just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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