Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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