please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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