so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
