i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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