He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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