Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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