I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
