so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
