what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize