Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
