If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
