I want to stick my p in your. b.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
