I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
