Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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