My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
