she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
