I look better un-naked...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
