Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I didn't notice because vodka
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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