He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
