Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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