i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
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I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
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Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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