I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
