it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
