I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
