yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
