Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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