I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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