Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
