My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
