it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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