If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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