found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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