So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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